Three Men in a Boat – Chapter 10

Page Incomplete



  • HARRIS and I began to think that Bell Weir lock must have been done away with after the same manner.
    George had towed us up to Staines, and we had taken the boat from there, and it seemed that we were
    dragging fifty tons after us, and were walking forty miles. It was half-past seven when we were through, and
    we all got in, and sculled up close to the left bank, looking out for a spot to haul up in.
    We had originally intended to go on to Magna Charta Island, a sweetly pretty part of the river, where it winds
    through a soft, green valley, and to camp in one of the many picturesque inlets to be found round that tiny
    shore. But, somehow, we did not feel that we yearned for the picturesque nearly so much now as we had
    earlier in the day. A bit of water between a coal-barge and a gas-works would have quite satisfied us for that
    night. We did not want scenery. We wanted to have our supper and go to bed. However, we did pull up to the
    point – “Picnic Point,” it is called – and dropped into a very pleasant nook under a great elm-tree, to the
    spreading roots of which we fastened the boat.
    Then we thought we were going to have supper (we had dispensed with tea, so as to save time), but George
    said no; that we had better get the canvas up first, before it got quite dark, and while we could see what we
    were doing. Then, he said, all our work would be done, and we could sit down to eat with an easy mind.
    That canvas wanted more putting up than I think any of us had bargained for. It looked so simple in the
    abstract. You took five iron arches, like gigantic croquet hoops, and fitted them up over the boat, and then
    stretched the canvas over them, and fastened it down: it would take quite ten minutes, we thought.
    That was an under-estimate.
    We took up the hoops, and began to drop them into the sockets placed for them. You would not imagine this
    to be dangerous work; but, looking back now, the wonder to me is that any of us are alive to tell the tale. They
    were not hoops, they were demons. First they would not fit into their sockets at all, and we had to jump on
    them, and kick them, and hammer at them with the boat-hook; and, when they were in, it turned out that they
    were the wrong hoops for those particular sockets, and they had to come out again.
    CHAPTER X. 54
    But they would not come out, until two of us had gone and struggled with them for five minutes, when they
    would jump up suddenly, and try and throw us into the water and drown us. They had hinges in the middle,
    and, when we were not looking, they nipped us with these hinges in delicate parts of the body; and, while we
    were wrestling with one side of the hoop, and endeavouring to persuade it to do its duty, the other side would
    come behind us in a cowardly manner, and hit us over the head.
    We got them fixed at last, and then all that was to be done was to arrange the covering over them. George
    unrolled it, and fastened one end over the nose of the boat. Harris stood in the middle to take it from George
    and roll it on to me, and I kept by the stern to receive it. It was a long time coming down to me. George did
    his part all right, but it was new work to Harris, and he bungled it.
    How he managed it I do not know, he could not explain himself; but by some mysterious process or other he
    succeeded, after ten minutes of superhuman effort, in getting himself completely rolled up in it. He was so
    firmly wrapped round and tucked in and folded over, that he could not get out. He, of course, made frantic
    struggles for freedom – the birthright of every Englishman, – and, in doing so (I learned this afterwards),
    knocked over George; and then George, swearing at Harris, began to struggle too, and got himself entangled
    and rolled up.
    I knew nothing about all this at the time. I did not understand the business at all myself. I had been told to
    stand where I was, and wait till the canvas came to me, and Montmorency and I stood there and waited, both
    as good as gold. We could see the canvas being violently jerked and tossed about, pretty considerably; but we
    supposed this was part of the method, and did not interfere.
    We also heard much smothered language coming from underneath it, and we guessed that they were finding
    the job rather troublesome, and concluded that we would wait until things had got a little simpler before we
    joined in.
    We waited some time, but matters seemed to get only more and more involved, until, at last, George’s head
    came wriggling out over the side of the boat, and spoke up.
    It said:
    “Give us a hand here, can’t you, you cuckoo; standing there like a stuffed mummy, when you see we are both
    being suffocated, you dummy!”
    I never could withstand an appeal for help, so I went and undid them; not before it was time, either, for Harris
    was nearly black in the face.
    It took us half an hour’s hard labour, after that, before it was properly up, and then we cleared the decks, and
    got out supper. We put the kettle on to boil, up in the nose of the boat, and went down to the stern and
    pretended to take no notice of it, but set to work to get the other things out.
    That is the only way to get a kettle to boil up the river. If it sees that you are waiting for it and are anxious, it
    will never even sing. You have to go away and begin your meal, as if you were not going to have any tea at
    all. You must not even look round at it. Then you will soon hear it sputtering away, mad to be made into tea.
    It is a good plan, too, if you are in a great hurry, to talk very loudly to each other about how you don’t need
    any tea, and are not going to have any. You get near the kettle, so that it can overhear you, and then you shout
    out, “I don’t want any tea; do you, George?” to which George shouts back, “Oh, no, I don’t like tea; we’ll have
    lemonade instead – tea’s so indigestible.” Upon which the kettle boils over, and puts the stove out.
    We adopted this harmless bit of trickery, and the result was that, by the time everything else was ready, the tea
    CHAPTER X. 55
    was waiting. Then we lit the lantern, and squatted down to supper.
    We wanted that supper.
    For five-and-thirty minutes not a sound was heard throughout the length and breadth of that boat, save the
    clank of cutlery and crockery, and the steady grinding of four sets of molars. At the end of five-and-thirty
    minutes, Harris said, “Ah!” and took his left leg out from under him and put his right one there instead.
    Five minutes afterwards, George said, “Ah!” too, and threw his plate out on the bank; and, three minutes later
    than that, Montmorency gave the first sign of contentment he had exhibited since we had started, and rolled
    over on his side, and spread his legs out; and then I said, “Ah!” and bent my head back, and bumped it against
    one of the hoops, but I did not mind it. I did not even swear.
    How good one feels when one is full – how satisfied with ourselves and with the world! People who have tried
    it, tell me that a clear conscience makes you very happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business
    quite as well, and is cheaper, and more easily obtained. One feels so forgiving and generous after a substantial
    and well-digested meal – so noble-minded, so kindly-hearted.
    It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think,
    unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon, it says,
    “Work!” After beefsteak and porter, it says, “Sleep!” After a cup of tea (two spoonsful for each cup, and don’t
    let it stand more than three minutes), it says to the brain, “Now, rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and
    deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature and into life; spread your white wings of quivering
    thought, and soar, a god- like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming
    stars to the gates of eternity!”
    After hot muffins, it says, “Be dull and soulless, like a beast of the field – a brainless animal, with listless eye,
    unlit by any ray of fancy, or of hope, or fear, or love, or life.” And after brandy, taken in sufficient quantity, it
    says, “Now, come, fool, grin and tumble, that your fellow-men may laugh – drivel in folly, and splutter in
    senseless sounds, and show what a helpless ninny is poor man whose wit and will are drowned, like kittens,
    side by side, in half an inch of alcohol.”
    We are but the veriest, sorriest slaves of our stomach. Reach not after morality and righteousness, my friends;
    watch vigilantly your stomach, and diet it with care and judgment. Then virtue and contentment will come and
    reign within your heart, unsought by any effort of your own; and you will be a good citizen, a loving husband,
    and a tender father – a noble, pious man.
    Before our supper, Harris and George and I were quarrelsome and snappy and ill-tempered; after our supper,
    we sat and beamed on one another, and we beamed upon the dog, too. We loved each other, we loved
    everybody. Harris, in moving about, trod on George’s corn. Had this happened before supper, George would
    have expressed wishes and desires concerning Harris’s fate in this world and the next that would have made a
    thoughtful man shudder.
    As it was, he said: “Steady, old man; `ware wheat.”
    And Harris, instead of merely observing, in his most unpleasant tones, that a fellow could hardly help treading
    on some bit of George’s foot, if he had to move about at all within ten yards of where George was sitting,
    suggesting that George never ought to come into an ordinary sized boat with feet that length, and advising him
    to hang them over the side, as he would have done before supper, now said: “Oh, I’m so sorry, old chap; I
    hope I haven’t hurt you.”
    And George said: “Not at all;” that it was his fault; and Harris said no, it was his.
    CHAPTER X. 56
    It was quite pretty to hear them.
    We lit our pipes, and sat, looking out on the quiet night, and talked.
    George said why could not we be always like this – away from the world, with its sin and temptation, leading
    sober, peaceful lives, and doing good. I said it was the sort of thing I had often longed for myself; and we
    discussed the possibility of our going away, we four, to some handy, well-fitted desert island, and living there
    in the woods.
    Harris said that the danger about desert islands, as far as he had heard, was that they were so damp: but
    George said no, not if properly drained.
    And then we got on to drains, and that put George in mind of a very funny thing that happened to his father
    once. He said his father was travelling with another fellow through Wales, and, one night, they stopped at a
    little inn, where there were some other fellows, and they joined the other fellows, and spent the evening with
    They had a very jolly evening, and sat up late, and, by the time they came to go to bed, they (this was when
    George’s father was a very young man) were slightly jolly, too. They (George’s father and George’s father’s
    friend) were to sleep in the same room, but in different beds. They took the candle, and went up. The candle
    lurched up against the wall when they got into the room, and went out, and they had to undress and grope into
    bed in the dark. This they did; but, instead of getting into separate beds, as they thought they were doing, they
    both climbed into the same one without knowing it – one getting in with his head at the top, and the other
    crawling in from the opposite side of the compass, and lying with his feet on the pillow.
    There was silence for a moment, and then George’s father said:
    “What’s the matter, Tom?” replied Joe’s voice from the other end of the bed.
    “Why, there’s a man in my bed,” said George’s father; “here’s his feet on my pillow.”
    “Well, it’s an extraordinary thing, Tom,” answered the other; “but I’m blest if there isn’t a man in my bed,
    “What are you going to do?” asked George’s father.
    “Well, I’m going to chuck him out,” replied Joe.
    “So am I,” said George’s father, valiantly.
    There was a brief struggle, followed by two heavy bumps on the floor, and then a rather doleful voice said:
    “I say, Tom!”
    “How have you got on?”
    “Well, to tell you the truth, my man’s chucked me out.”
    CHAPTER X. 57
    “So’s mine! I say, I don’t think much of this inn, do you?”
    “What was the name of that inn?” said Harris.
    “The Pig and Whistle,” said George. “Why?”
    “Ah, no, then it isn’t the same,” replied Harris.
    “What do you mean?” queried George.
    “Why it’s so curious,” murmured Harris, “but precisely that very same thing happened to MY father once at a
    country inn. I’ve often heard him tell the tale. I thought it might have been the same inn.”
    We turned in at ten that night, and I thought I should sleep well, being tired; but I didn’t. As a rule, I undress
    and put my head on the pillow, and then somebody bangs at the door, and says it is half-past eight: but,
    to-night, everything seemed against me; the novelty of it all, the hardness of the boat, the cramped position (I
    was lying with my feet under one seat, and my head on another), the sound of the lapping water round the
    boat, and the wind among the branches, kept me restless and disturbed.
    I did get to sleep for a few hours, and then some part of the boat which seemed to have grown up in the night –
    for it certainly was not there when we started, and it had disappeared by the morning – kept digging into my
    spine. I slept through it for a while, dreaming that I had swallowed a sovereign, and that they were cutting a
    hole in my back with a gimlet, so as to try and get it out. I thought it very unkind of them, and I told them I
    would owe them the money, and they should have it at the end of the month. But they would not hear of that,
    and said it would be much better if they had it then, because otherwise the interest would accumulate so. I got
    quite cross with them after a bit, and told them what I thought of them, and then they gave the gimlet such an
    excruciating wrench that I woke up.
    The boat seemed stuffy, and my head ached; so I thought I would step out into the cool night-air. I slipped on
    what clothes I could find about – some of my own, and some of George’s and Harris’s – and crept under the
    canvas on to the bank.
    It was a glorious night. The moon had sunk, and left the quiet earth alone with the stars. It seemed as if, in the
    silence and the hush, while we her children slept, they were talking with her, their sister – conversing of
    mighty mysteries in voices too vast and deep for childish human ears to catch the sound.
    They awe us, these strange stars, so cold, so clear. We are as children whose small feet have strayed into some
    dim-lit temple of the god they have been taught to worship but know not; and, standing where the echoing
    dome spans the long vista of the shadowy light, glance up, half hoping, half afraid to see some awful vision
    hovering there.
    And yet it seems so full of comfort and of strength, the night. In its great presence, our small sorrows creep
    away, ashamed. The day has been so full of fret and care, and our hearts have been so full of evil and of bitter
    thoughts, and the world has seemed so hard and wrong to us. Then Night, like some great loving mother,
    gently lays her hand upon our fevered head, and turns our little tear-stained faces up to hers, and smiles; and,
    though she does not speak, we know what she would say, and lay our hot flushed cheek against her bosom,
    and the pain is gone.
    Sometimes, our pain is very deep and real, and we stand before her very silent, because there is no language
    for our pain, only a moan. Night’s heart is full of pity for us: she cannot ease our aching; she takes our hand in
    hers, and the little world grows very small and very far away beneath us, and, borne on her dark wings, we
    pass for a moment into a mightier Presence than her own, and in the wondrous light of that great Presence, all
    CHAPTER X. 58
    human life lies like a book before us, and we know that Pain and Sorrow are but the angels of God.
    Only those who have worn the crown of suffering can look upon that wondrous light; and they, when they
    return, may not speak of it, or tell the mystery they know.
    Once upon a time, through a strange country, there rode some goodly knights, and their path lay by a deep
    wood, where tangled briars grew very thick and strong, and tore the flesh of them that lost their way therein.
    And the leaves of the trees that grew in the wood were very dark and thick, so that no ray of light came
    through the branches to lighten the gloom and sadness.
    And, as they passed by that dark wood, one knight of those that rode, missing his comrades, wandered far
    away, and returned to them no more; and they, sorely grieving, rode on without him, mourning him as one
    Now, when they reached the fair castle towards which they had been journeying, they stayed there many days,
    and made merry; and one night, as they sat in cheerful ease around the logs that burned in the great hall, and
    drank a loving measure, there came the comrade they had lost, and greeted them. His clothes were ragged, like
    a beggar’s, and many sad wounds were on his sweet flesh, but upon his face there shone a great radiance of
    deep joy.
    And they questioned him, asking him what had befallen him: and he told them how in the dark wood he had
    lost his way, and had wandered many days and nights, till, torn and bleeding, he had lain him down to die.
    Then, when he was nigh unto death, lo! through the savage gloom there came to him a stately maiden, and
    took him by the hand and led him on through devious paths, unknown to any man, until upon the darkness of
    the wood there dawned a light such as the light of day was unto but as a little lamp unto the sun; and, in that
    wondrous light, our way-worn knight saw as in a dream a vision, and so glorious, so fair the vision seemed,
    that of his bleeding wounds he thought no more, but stood as one entranced, whose joy is deep as is the sea,
    whereof no man can tell the depth.
    And the vision faded, and the knight, kneeling upon the ground, thanked the good saint who into that sad
    wood had strayed his steps, so he had seen the vision that lay there hid.
    And the name of the dark forest was Sorrow; but of the vision that the good knight saw therein we may not
    speak nor tell.

What do you think?

The BirdBoys – Biju John

Three Men in a Boat 9 – Ragging George